The Rain

Oh the rain! How I loath the rain
The way it falls in perfect sequence with my tears
It's hard and it's cold
and it's mocking of my soul
And I'm so tired of drowning alone

My bed feels like a cement brick
As vile as the rain
The empty space, the cold embrace
Remind me of your name
And I wish I could say I slept better beside you
but that would be a lie
When I was wrapped in your arms
all of my dreams were beside me
and sleeping no longer seemed right

I never got over the smile you'd make
before you took my hand and kissed me by surprise
And now that you're gone
My hearts full of this longing
and I miss you far more than I should
Oh the rain! How I love the rain
It always seems to clean out my eyes

How

How?

How is it still possible for it to hurt so much?

How can I still think of you so often?

How can I be fine one second and destroyed the next?

When will this end?

I find myself getting lost in thoughts that are meaningless

Like why your profile picture is now the one you took for me that summer

The one you know full well is my favorite

I remember that day so vividly

The stories, the anticipation, those glasses

I start to wonder if you’ve set a date for the wedding

And what kind of dress she will wear

Or if you’ll serve South Africa wines

Will you get married in the spring as a metaphor for the new life you’ll start together

Or will your emotions get the best of you as you declare autumn the most beautiful season of all

I wonder if Izzy is still a secret ninja fighter now that she’s grown up

And if Olive is still in Europe soaking up all the world has to offer

I wonder if you still forget to pay your electric bill from time to time

Of if you still have dance parties by yourself

I wonder if you still talk to Wayne

And then like a Tsunami, my emotions get the best of me

Tears cloud my eyes and I stop breathing

The pain in my heart seems so endless, so all consuming

And I can’t bear the idea of it going on forever

I’ve done everything possible to forget you

Disconnected in every way I could

Boxed up your memories, erased your number

Deleted every message, voicemail, and photo I could find

And yet there you are

Hidden in the depths

Lurking in the corner

The noose shrinks ever closer and I swell with fear

Afraid that no one will ever see me the way you saw me

Afraid that no one will ever love about me what you did

Or worse that I will never love anyone else the way I loved you

You always hated when I got nostalgic

When I looked back on the past or tossed around memories

You hated the way I held onto things

You probably hated the way I held onto you

Maybe that’s why you left

So I sit here alone like I always do and wonder how

How is it possible for it to still hurt this much?

Self Preservation

You write to me in sorrow, your heart drenched in tears

You miss me…

You love me…

You’re sorry…

And….

What do you want me to tell you?

What would you like me to say?

That I’ve been alone by choice since you left me

That the wall around my heart is taller and more prominent than ever

That I can’t stop comparing every person I meet to you

Every relationship to us

Should I recount the hours spent in mourning

Should I recall the nights unslept

Should I tell you the horror stories of heart break

as if you have not heard them from me before?

If that is what you truly desire

I am happy to oblige

But I need not your pity or regret

Would it help you to know that I’m happy?

Would it help you to know I’m ok?

I’m not angry, or hurt, or upset

I just don’t know what to say

It’s not that I never think of you

It’s that for a long time, I could think of little else

You’re a poison to me

You pulse in my veins and race in my heart

You consume my thoughts and flood my mind

I have but two choices

Let the poison consume me and fall forever in its depths

Or extract the poison from my blood until there is nothing left

You have taken the first option from me so the second is my reservation

You see, it’s not that I don’t love you

It’s that you made this a game of self-preservation

Happiness

“I want to see the happy you” he says in jest with a slight nudge to the arm as they walk.  Though stunned at the simplicity of such a statement, he was spot on.  Her words often showcased the more somber side of existence.  But she was happy.  In comparison to the last year in fact, her current state was exponentially more pleasant.  Though her heart had been broken, she knew her past didn’t have to dictate her feelings in the present.  She had made her peace and let the ashes blow away with the wind.  Were there still days when she felt alone to the point of torpidity? Of course.  But more often than not, she felt an incredible sense of freedom.  She was young and unattached.  Aside from a job she loved, her responsibilities were minimal.  The world presented endless opportunities for her and she was yearning to revive that feeling of novelty; to experience the raw energy of doing something completely spontaneous.  The electricity of a new hand in yours, the taste of unchartered lips, the feeling of excitement when you don’t know where things might lead.   She missed the butterflies that came with discovering someone new; the pacing of a heart in anticipation.  But all of these things were open to her; all contained such promise.  It was a beautiful day.  She was walking outside having a conversation of great value with someone she admired dearly.  She had the liberty to go where she pleased with whom she wished and discuss any number of ambivalent topics as she traversed.  At that moment, in the midst of a budding spring and blooming friendship, all things were possible and her greatest happiness lied within these possibilities.  Someday he too would see the beauty in that and find his own side of paradise.

I Love You and Good-bye

They say forgiveness is one of the greatest strengths one can master. They also say that love conquers all, that good things come to those who wait, that time heals all wounds. “They” have obviously never been in love. Even now, the thought of the whole situation brings me to tears. Sometimes I scroll back through the conversations, start to finish, looking for where I went wrong, looking for clues of when things started to change. I think back to the last words you said to me. “I love you” and “Good-bye” simultaneously. But it’s hard to find forgiveness when the fault is not intentional. How can I forgive you for something you couldn’t control? We fell in love with each other. Then you fell in love with her more than us. The pain that befell me was merely the sequent of our situation. There are times when I hear a song we discovered together and shatter inside. I see the poem you read to me as I walked the beach at night and stop breathing. I empty moving boxes only to find a quill and teal blue ink from Italy and I’m left shell shocked. It’s hard when the moments together outlast the relationship and you find yourself alone with a box of memories.


You called last month to tell me that you miss my friendship. Not me. Just my friendship. I suppose that’s fair. I forgot your picture showed up when you called and the sight of you made my heart jump. I love those glasses on you and you were so excited about them that day. They always made you look so tender yet steady. Your voice sounded soft and somber just as it used to when you would call me at midnight to talk about the stars. And just like that, the wound was open, gushing blood and oozing venom, burning with the flame of a thousand unspoken words. You see, the nicest thing you ever did for me was walk away without looking back. Your immediate disappearance, your lack of response to even the smallest out reach of my hand, your complete disregard for my existence in general, was the greatest act of love you ever showed me. Your confidence in the decision helped me not to second guess your feelings for her. If you could so easily release all that we had created together, all that we had overcome, then surely your fate was her and not me. It saved me from myself. It taught me that I could finally survive in a world where you no longer existed, not even a little. Not even in a box hidden in the garage that I purposely left unpacked. My heart pained as I heard your voice and yet again, I cried. Alone. In a parking lot. In the rain. The cinematic irony was not lost on me. It was the same circumstance as the last time we spoke and the weather always had a way of mocking me. But how can one expect to forgive someone simply looking for a long lost friend?

Perhaps it is not forgiveness but thanks to which you are owed. There were conversations we exchanged that I felt certain I would never have with anyone. There were moments we shared I am certain are the happiest I have ever been. Glances from you that made me feel like the only person alive in your world. You taught me how to be unforgivably happy, how to have unwavering confidence in my intelligence and myself. You showed me that I can be a romantic, that I can completely ignore my better judgment and free fall. You helped me understand that parallel lines will never truly intersect no matter how you try to fold the paper. Most of all you taught me that sometimes, no matter how much it hurts you now, letting go completely is the only way to survive. Sometimes you just have to accept the situation for what it is, pray that God watches over him, and walk away, once and for all, forever.

So thank you for conversations in the dark, for moments where words were superfluous, for looks that meant the world to at least one of us. Thank you for memories, the immortal moments, which we will share for eternity as parallel lines. I love you and goodbye.

On nights like this

On nights like this when the air is chilled

And the moon is hanging low

When the wind covers my cheeks in kisses

When the stars shine on all my wishes

I think of you and sigh a little

Because on nights like this, I miss you

On nights like this when I’m lost in my mind

And looking in my heart for answers I won’t find

When my eyes trace lines on the bedroom floor

When fingers race across my worn key board

I remember the few times you held my hand

And then, I start to miss you

On nights like this when silence sneaks in

And I’d do anything to break it

When the sound of my breath carries panic

When my legs start pacing back and forth, manic

I hear your voice whisper to me softly

And I remember why I miss you

On all other nights I can compromise

And teach myself to forget the look in your eyes

When you smiled at me

Or when you said "I love you"

On all other nights I can let you go

But on nights like tonight, I miss you

A Preemptive Apology

I know I haven’t met you yet, but I apologize in advance

I won’t be able to make it easy for you to love me

It’s going to be hard for me to let you in

All the others who have come before have left you little

And there isn’t much I can do to get it back

 

You’ll have to work twice as hard to break down walls others built around me

I won’t believe you when you say things they once said even if you mean it

And I’ll probably punish you for all of their mistakes

I’ll definitely avoid connecting with you on things I shared with him because to me they will still be sacred topics

 

There will be times I can’t explain what I am feeling

and times I’ll just break down and you won’t understand

I’ll spend a long time not letting myself get close to you

And I’ll probably flinch the first time you hold my hand

 

But worst of all, you’ll have to spend your whole life knowing

I can never give my whole heart to you because there are parts of it I’ll never get back. 

You will have to settle for the mangled fragments I managed to salvage

and I will spend my whole life feeling ashamed that’s all I have to give

 

But I promise, if you can get past my imperfections,

if you can forgive me for the shields around my heart,

if you can be patient with me while I fight what I am feeling,

if you can see past all the broken glass 

 

I promise I will learn to love you. 

I promise I’ll try my hardest to forget.

I know at some point my walls will come down

though the time it takes may be longer than it’s worth. 

I promise I will give you everything I have left. 

 

I’ll learn to make coffee the way you love it and cook your eggs just right. 

I’ll straighten your tie as you get ready for work and make your favorite pies at Thanksgiving. 

I’ll be kind to your mother even if she hates me and I’ll ask your father for advice. 

I’ll go shopping with your sister if you have one and stand up for you when your brother is at arms. 

 

I know that this is a lot to ask of you, I know the order’s tall.  But I promise if you can get past all of my problems, my love is really worth it after all.