I Love You and Good-bye

They say forgiveness is one of the greatest strengths one can master. They also say that love conquers all, that good things come to those who wait, that time heals all wounds. “They” have obviously never been in love. Even now, the thought of the whole situation brings me to tears. Sometimes I scroll back through the conversations, start to finish, looking for where I went wrong, looking for clues of when things started to change. I think back to the last words you said to me. “I love you” and “Good-bye” simultaneously. But it’s hard to find forgiveness when the fault is not intentional. How can I forgive you for something you couldn’t control? We fell in love with each other. Then you fell in love with her more than us. The pain that befell me was merely the sequent of our situation. There are times when I hear a song we discovered together and shatter inside. I see the poem you read to me as I walked the beach at night and stop breathing. I empty moving boxes only to find a quill and teal blue ink from Italy and I’m left shell shocked. It’s hard when the moments together outlast the relationship and you find yourself alone with a box of memories.


You called last month to tell me that you miss my friendship. Not me. Just my friendship. I suppose that’s fair. I forgot your picture showed up when you called and the sight of you made my heart jump. I love those glasses on you and you were so excited about them that day. They always made you look so tender yet steady. Your voice sounded soft and somber just as it used to when you would call me at midnight to talk about the stars. And just like that, the wound was open, gushing blood and oozing venom, burning with the flame of a thousand unspoken words. You see, the nicest thing you ever did for me was walk away without looking back. Your immediate disappearance, your lack of response to even the smallest out reach of my hand, your complete disregard for my existence in general, was the greatest act of love you ever showed me. Your confidence in the decision helped me not to second guess your feelings for her. If you could so easily release all that we had created together, all that we had overcome, then surely your fate was her and not me. It saved me from myself. It taught me that I could finally survive in a world where you no longer existed, not even a little. Not even in a box hidden in the garage that I purposely left unpacked. My heart pained as I heard your voice and yet again, I cried. Alone. In a parking lot. In the rain. The cinematic irony was not lost on me. It was the same circumstance as the last time we spoke and the weather always had a way of mocking me. But how can one expect to forgive someone simply looking for a long lost friend?

Perhaps it is not forgiveness but thanks to which you are owed. There were conversations we exchanged that I felt certain I would never have with anyone. There were moments we shared I am certain are the happiest I have ever been. Glances from you that made me feel like the only person alive in your world. You taught me how to be unforgivably happy, how to have unwavering confidence in my intelligence and myself. You showed me that I can be a romantic, that I can completely ignore my better judgment and free fall. You helped me understand that parallel lines will never truly intersect no matter how you try to fold the paper. Most of all you taught me that sometimes, no matter how much it hurts you now, letting go completely is the only way to survive. Sometimes you just have to accept the situation for what it is, pray that God watches over him, and walk away, once and for all, forever.

So thank you for conversations in the dark, for moments where words were superfluous, for looks that meant the world to at least one of us. Thank you for memories, the immortal moments, which we will share for eternity as parallel lines. I love you and goodbye.