How

How?

How is it still possible for it to hurt so much?

How can I still think of you so often?

How can I be fine one second and destroyed the next?

When will this end?

I find myself getting lost in thoughts that are meaningless

Like why your profile picture is now the one you took for me that summer

The one you know full well is my favorite

I remember that day so vividly

The stories, the anticipation, those glasses

I start to wonder if you’ve set a date for the wedding

And what kind of dress she will wear

Or if you’ll serve South Africa wines

Will you get married in the spring as a metaphor for the new life you’ll start together

Or will your emotions get the best of you as you declare autumn the most beautiful season of all

I wonder if Izzy is still a secret ninja fighter now that she’s grown up

And if Olive is still in Europe soaking up all the world has to offer

I wonder if you still forget to pay your electric bill from time to time

Of if you still have dance parties by yourself

I wonder if you still talk to Wayne

And then like a Tsunami, my emotions get the best of me

Tears cloud my eyes and I stop breathing

The pain in my heart seems so endless, so all consuming

And I can’t bear the idea of it going on forever

I’ve done everything possible to forget you

Disconnected in every way I could

Boxed up your memories, erased your number

Deleted every message, voicemail, and photo I could find

And yet there you are

Hidden in the depths

Lurking in the corner

The noose shrinks ever closer and I swell with fear

Afraid that no one will ever see me the way you saw me

Afraid that no one will ever love about me what you did

Or worse that I will never love anyone else the way I loved you

You always hated when I got nostalgic

When I looked back on the past or tossed around memories

You hated the way I held onto things

You probably hated the way I held onto you

Maybe that’s why you left

So I sit here alone like I always do and wonder how

How is it possible for it to still hurt this much?